Friday, April 4, 2014

i can't look at the stars

On tomorrow's date, two years ago, we lost my grandmother, my Grandma Lou, known to most as Mama Lou (dads mom). She surrendered to the terrible disease known as Alzheimer's. I believe God/life has a plan for everyone, a reason for everything, that everything happens for a reason, etc. While at times it may make no sense, I'm confident in the end that the pieces will come together. But things like Cancer, Alzheimer's... WHY? In my grandma's case, why should someone who lived such a wonderful life, who achieved so much, had a family they love and were so proud of and lived to see and meet her GREAT-grand-babies, forget everything? Everything. If you haven't witnessed it first hand, yes it is as terrible as you can imagine. She would remember me one minute, then not a minute later. How does that happen? How does the brain work? Can someone please cure this awful disease? It's just not fair. Not fair at all.

I come from a very small family. The only grandchild to one set of grandparents. The only granddaughter to the other (and only one in Indiana, my cousins live in Florida.) I had an incredible bond with both. A bond that no matter how hard I try to explain it to someone, they will never understand. I'm an extremely emotional, sentimental, nostalgic person. As I've said before, I love when certain things, smells, ANYTHING takes me back to a memory. While I love those moments, I find myself in a very vulnerable state. I sob. I sob hard. 

my wrist tattoo. i called grandma (moms mom)  happy for as long as i could remember, she was never "grandma" 
this was her signature from a card she had given me. i had the tattoo artist add the russian cross at the end for her.
i will be getting seagull for my grandma lou (dads mom) can't decide where yet. foot, other wrist, forearm? thoughts?
maybe this will be a gift to myself when i reach my weight goal.

We live in Indianapolis, about two and a half hours away from where they are laid to rest. We will call that area "The Region" or better known as NW Indiana. This is/was basically my home away from home. I would go spend weeks up there as a kid. It's a quick drive outside of Chicago, close to Lake Michigan and still has a small town feel. I love everything about it. I would move there in a heartbeat if we could. Well probably not, because I wouldn't leave my parents, but you get the point. I love going up there and driving around, seeing places I'd go to with them, eating at the best restaurants, going to the best shops. While I'm happy, at some point the waterworks start going. 

I lost my grandmas months apart from each other. It was extremely difficult. What am I talking about? It STILL is something I cry over daily. My husband encourages me to talk about the struggles with him, but sometimes I just don't want to. It's probably not healthy to keep everything bottled up, but I don't want my kids to see me cry that much. I don't want him to see me cry. I don't want anyone to know I cry that much. But here I am, putting it out for the world to see. I cry a lot. 
How do you grieve? 
Is there a timeline on how long is normal? It's been two years and I still feel like it was yesterday. 

Sometimes I feel so close to a memory, that I forget that it is just that. A memory. 
Something I am so grateful to have, but I would do anything in the world to have one last meal with them. 
Just one more conversation. 
One more hug. 

Grandparents are so special. They leave a forever footprint on our hearts. 
I am blessed to have an amazing grandpa still in my life who loves reminiscing and could for hours. 
I know I'm lucky to have had amazing grandmothers in my life for 26 years. 
Two years gone, but never forgotten. NEVER.


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